Monday, February 9, 2009

An Epic of Time Wasted


The day was September 21, 2008. The third quarter was coming to a close and the score was 28-6. Boo's rained out as fans of the losing team began to file out of the stadium in disbelief and misery. This is a common sight in stadiums across the nation, only it generally occurs when the teams are consistenly bad. However, this is the tale of New England Patriot fans during the third game of the season versus the Miami Dolphins. Less than a year after the Patriots had finished with an 18-1 record, they had the gall to boo and leave early. A child throwing a temper tantrum in K-Mart because his Mom won't buy him Spongebob underwear, has more dignity than the Patriot fans had on this day.

A few months back I read an article listing cities in America with the "greatest fans". The list was laden with powerhouse cities such as New York, Boston, L.A., Pittsburgh, etc. I disagree with this list and the mindset behind it; this article should have been about the best sports cities. These cities may have great fans but it's too easy to be a fan. Being a baseball fan in New York is equivalent to being a fan of fine cuisine and teleportation. Being a fan of the Steelers is like being a fan of winning the lottery. Being a fan of Boston sports is similar to being a fan of children's laughter and small puppies. It's Easy.

No, the best fans (although maybe the dumbest) are the ones who keep coming back for more. Real fans are those whose "fan-dom" is about as enjoyable as a painful shit or getting hit in the face with a bat. Real fans are those that support the Lions, who are the only team since the expansion to the 16 game regular season to go winless. Real fans are those of the Cubs, who have the longest drought without a championship in all of sports. Real fans are those of the Bengals, who have gone almost two decades with only one winning season. Real fans are those of the Arizona Cardinals, who until this past year had never been to an NFC Championship game. These are real fans. The type of fan who isn't pampered by wins. The fan who hears playoffs and thinks it's a new form of masturbation. The fan who walks the streets wondering why God hates them. It's not easy being this fan and yet every Sunday, fans in Detroit, Cincinnati and Arizona skip church to watch their teams lose. Think about that, fans of these teams are willing to skip church, the way in which they communicate with God. The device used that enables them to prepare for eternal happiness in Heaven, gets skipped to watch a team that provides eternal frustration. This is a fan.

Sign me up, because while being a fan of one of these teams might feel like an epic of time wasted, you know deep down that day will come. Faith destroys all fear and while that day might come when you're old and gray, and not soiling yourself is more of a concern than sports, it doesn't matter because all those hapless years spent as a fan finally paid off.

Unless Mike Brown runs your team, then you have no hope, give up and go to church.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Were we wasting time when we went to all those reds games? Well except for the days of the walk off home runs those were pretty sweet. The most fun I have had at a reds game was not spent watching the reds, it was spent watching you get denied for a beer at the concession stand while the nice lady allowed me to buy 4 at one time. I guess drunk ass doesn't know how to sweet talk them like I do. Just remember the Wofford game, that rediculous trip to cleveland, being drunk in canton, and all those useless trips to the two stadiums downtown and then ask yourself what are we doing with our lives and how many more sad walks to the car are we going to have?

Anonymous said...

Brando you lay down "fan" and I raise you one to "american fan." Home of the free and free to consume, fans have dedicated themselves to not only the sweaty balls of jocks but the sweaty beer containments at those games. Perhaps skipping church is a great thing indeed for us all. After all, how can one afford keeping up with Catholic Sunday "donations" and obtaining that numbness from what a tiny $7.50 bud or 9 of them? (a numbness needed if your team is the Portland Trailblazers) The truest of true fans blow off the baskets passed around (or sticks in to grab a few loose bills) and tells duff beerman "ay, another over here." This selflessness supports the American dream to have a job passing out beer and finally having the cash to buy a sweet car, electronic chopper up thing, or useless yard gnomes. In fact, how else are males suppose to bond sober. Bumping chests, splapping asses, and painting each other's chest while hollering is not iconic to the hetero world. But back to the thanks we owe dedicated fans for saving our American dreams...pay for your own damn stadium!

Anonymous said...

Jesus... it was like you were talking solely to me.... but fuck it painful shits arent all that bad.

Anonymous said...

Way to be a homer and totally fail to mention BROWNS FANS... The year the Browns went 4-12(a few years ago) was the year I bought most of my merch that I own today.

The Browns, by far, have the best fans in the nation. Our team could get a top 10 draft pick every year and they would still sell out that stadium every game, every year.