Nat-a-tat-tat

Has tighter wallets resulted in tighter belts?

A survey I composed asks this very question. How has the poor economy affected alcohol consumption? It seems most people have taken measures to cut back on their drinking in an effort to feed their children or pay their mortgage. One word: undedicated.

Melissa Kramer, a Communications graduate from UC seems to be having a rough time with this issue. "We can't even drown our sorrows with alcohol in this sh---y economy." Amen.

As people watch their 401-k's, stocks and savings accounts drop faster than Kellogg’s dropped Michael "Isn't it funny that I smoke weed out of a water bong" Phelps, the one solace we have to ease our troubled minds is being put on the back burner when compared to more pressing issues. Melissa also comments, "I don't drink every night but now even a six pack of Mike's Hard is a gut-wrenching decision, when I need gas in my car and my mortgage is due." Fair enough, yet this is one of America's greatest past times. What's more American than going to a ballgame and sucking down a Budweiser while eating a hotdog? That, ladies and gentleman, is the American dream. Thus, through the transitive property, not drinking alcohol is Un-American.

It seems there are those who have taken the Y2K approach to our current economic crisis. Pama Mitchel, an assistant professor at UC, says "I've also been pretty good at stocking up for the proverbial rainy day. Even if the world goes into a depression (God forbid), we could survive for awhile on the contents of our cellar." I have images of a post-apocalyptic World where a small group of survivors are huddled in Pama's basement guarding their precious inventory against zombies who's life is now sustained solely on alcohol thanks to the radiation coming from the hole in the O-zone because cows fart too much. Run-on sentence and I watch too many stupid movies.

Then there are those who don't let their tighter wallets constrict their drinking endeavors. "The failing economy has made me more prone to drink at home or at a friend’s house to help save money, as well as drink the fear of another depression away!" says Sean Tuke, a Network Administrative student at Cincinnati State. Similarly, Jessica Murray, a Journalism intern says "My friends and I have recently begun drinking before we hit the bars to save money on alcohol. It does the trick!" Ah yes, nothing beats showing up at a bar already buzzing. Beer muscles in full flex, liquid-courage raging; Mothers you better lock up your daughters because the man is in town and I'm feeling kinda funky, feeling kinda fine. This method seems to be the general consensus amongst college students (or at least me and my alcoholic friends), yet it always proves to be a splendid time resulting in memories that will last a lifet....that will last until you blackout and wake up wondering where you are and who has your pants.

Finally, gentlemen don’t let a lack of dead presidents deny your obligation to women. Amanda Woodruff, a UC student has this to say "but the thing that really bothers me is the stupid loser guys at bars that refuse to buy a drink. If you can't give up $3 for a drink (aka conversation starter), you will always be a loser in a bar." That’s right fellas; nothing is a better conversation starter than buying a girl a drink. However, if you're like me buying a girl a drink means watching your three dollars vanish into the crowd only to come across her later dry humping some guy with hair gel. This move is a game time decision, it’s about a 50/50 shot that she'll actually talk to you, proceed with the mindset that tomorrow you might get laid-off and that three dollars equals three double cheeseburgers.

Overall, the sentiment seems to be that people are resorting to cheaper beer/wine and going out less. It has personally affected my consumption and there is a noticeable difference in attendance when going out to bars. However, when debating whether or not to visit your local watering hole remember, on pretty much any given night bars will have deals or happy hours. Below I have listed some local bars accompanied with the night they have special deals. Enjoy.

"Don't we all drink Nati anyway?"
-Nayla Pica, Journalism student at UC.



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An Epic of Time Wasted

The day was September 21, 2008. The third quarter was coming to a close and the score was 28-6. Boo's rained out as fans of the losing team began to file out of the stadium in disbelief and misery. This is a common sight in stadiums across the nation, only it generally occurs when the teams are consistenly bad. However, this is the tale of New England Patriot fans during the third game of the season versus the Miami Dolphins. Less than a year after the Patriots had finished with an 18-1 record, they had the gall to boo and leave early. A child throwing a temper tantrum in K-Mart because his Mom won't buy him Spongebob underwear, has more dignity than the Patriot fans had on this day.

A few months back I read an article listing cities in America with the "greatest fans". The list was laden with powerhouse cities such as New York, Boston, L.A., Pittsburgh, etc. I disagree with this list and the mindset behind it; this article should have been about the best sports cities. These cities may have great fans but it's too easy to be a fan. Being a baseball fan in New York is equivalent to being a fan of fine cuisine and teleportation. Being a fan of the Steelers is like being a fan of winning the lottery. Being a fan of Boston sports is similar to being a fan of children's laughter and small puppies. It's Easy.

No, the best fans (although maybe the dumbest) are the ones who keep coming back for more. Real fans are those whose "fan-dom" is about as enjoyable as a painful shit or getting hit in the face with a bat. Real fans are those that support the Lions, who are the only team since the expansion to the 16 game regular season to go winless. Real fans are those of the Cubs, who have the longest drought without a championship in all of sports. Real fans are those of the Bengals, who have gone almost two decades with only one winning season. Real fans are those of the Arizona Cardinals, who until this past year had never been to an NFC Championship game. These are real fans. The type of fan who isn't pampered by wins. The fan who hears playoffs and thinks it's a new form of masturbation. The fan who walks the streets wondering why God hates them. It's not easy being this fan and yet every Sunday, fans in Detroit, Cincinnati and Arizona skip church to watch their teams lose. Think about that, fans of these teams are willing to skip church, the way in which they communicate with God. The device used that enables them to prepare for eternal happiness in Heaven, gets skipped to watch a team that provides eternal frustration. This is a fan.

Sign me up, because while being a fan of one of these teams might feel like an epic of time wasted, you know deep down that day will come. Faith destroys all fear and while that day might come when you're old and gray, and not soiling yourself is more of a concern than sports, it doesn't matter because all those hapless years spent as a fan finally paid off.

Unless Mike Brown runs your team, then you have no hope, give up and go to church.