Guitar Zero

Where have all the guitarists gone?

Guitar Gods like Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page and Santana all have one thing in common besides being some of the greatest guitar heroes of all time; they're old. With the exception of a few bright spots here and there, the airwaves are flooded with mediocre talent who cover their mediocrity with tuned-down guitars and distortion. But compared to the legends of old, our present day guitarists can't hold a guitar pick to them. After extensive research and interviews I have found the cause for our current drought of guitar talent.

GUITAR HERO!

Children, heed my warning, put down the plastic and pick up a Les Paul. In the 70's and 80's the guitar was used for expression and freedom. Teenage angst was fueled by the screeching of a guitar in garages all around the states. Today we have chubby fingers pressing plastic buttons, giving kids a false sense of accomplishment. It's too cold to play out in the garage. The guitar strings hurt my fingers.

People, this is becoming a nationwide epidemic even more serious than childhood obesity. Guitar Heroes are beginning to acquire a new disease known as Guitar Heroitis. Symptoms include: poor posture, carpal tunnel, even greater childhood obesity, poor grades, stunted bone growth in the wrists and fingers, heightened anxiety leading to anger problems and worst of all, an unbalanced ego since being a Guitar Hero makes people feel superior when in reality they're just another dork playing a video game. Music departments in schools will fall into disrepair. Grades will suffer, more and more children are picking up the plastic axe rather than reading a book. People, the disease has hit very close to home. My sister can play Guitar Hero with her feet, but can't seem to pass grade school classes, my step-dad's curses echo throughout the house followed by the sound of him missing notes. They're continuously late for dinner and often resemble drug fiends in need of another fix. Guitar Hero is breaking apart the American Family! The following is a YouTube clip of a small child playing Guitar Hero with the approval of his parents. Warning, what you are about to see may shock you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUzNcheoY6U

Guitar Hero is destroying the very essence of what America was founded on: Capitalism. No longer will parents need to buy their children guitars. Guitar shops will close around the World, millions of people will lose their jobs. The music industry as we know it will be demolished. Guitar Hero will lead to the complete destruction of America. Be a real hero, help save America, go out buy a guitar and start a rock band. Oh shit, Rock Band...