Guitar Zero

Where have all the guitarists gone?

Guitar Gods like Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page and Santana all have one thing in common besides being some of the greatest guitar heroes of all time; they're old. With the exception of a few bright spots here and there, the airwaves are flooded with mediocre talent who cover their mediocrity with tuned-down guitars and distortion. But compared to the legends of old, our present day guitarists can't hold a guitar pick to them. After extensive research and interviews I have found the cause for our current drought of guitar talent.

GUITAR HERO!

Children, heed my warning, put down the plastic and pick up a Les Paul. In the 70's and 80's the guitar was used for expression and freedom. Teenage angst was fueled by the screeching of a guitar in garages all around the states. Today we have chubby fingers pressing plastic buttons, giving kids a false sense of accomplishment. It's too cold to play out in the garage. The guitar strings hurt my fingers.

People, this is becoming a nationwide epidemic even more serious than childhood obesity. Guitar Heroes are beginning to acquire a new disease known as Guitar Heroitis. Symptoms include: poor posture, carpal tunnel, even greater childhood obesity, poor grades, stunted bone growth in the wrists and fingers, heightened anxiety leading to anger problems and worst of all, an unbalanced ego since being a Guitar Hero makes people feel superior when in reality they're just another dork playing a video game. Music departments in schools will fall into disrepair. Grades will suffer, more and more children are picking up the plastic axe rather than reading a book. People, the disease has hit very close to home. My sister can play Guitar Hero with her feet, but can't seem to pass grade school classes, my step-dad's curses echo throughout the house followed by the sound of him missing notes. They're continuously late for dinner and often resemble drug fiends in need of another fix. Guitar Hero is breaking apart the American Family! The following is a YouTube clip of a small child playing Guitar Hero with the approval of his parents. Warning, what you are about to see may shock you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUzNcheoY6U

Guitar Hero is destroying the very essence of what America was founded on: Capitalism. No longer will parents need to buy their children guitars. Guitar shops will close around the World, millions of people will lose their jobs. The music industry as we know it will be demolished. Guitar Hero will lead to the complete destruction of America. Be a real hero, help save America, go out buy a guitar and start a rock band. Oh shit, Rock Band...

America's Favorite Pastime?

I'm as big a sports fan as anyone. I love the rivalries, the heart, the determination and the effort that athletes put into the game. That being said, Baseball just plain sucks. We should rename Bug Selig, The Don and replace the National Anthem with each team passing good ol' Bud to kiss his pinky ring. This is not to incriminate The Don; however, the obese amount of money being spent on players these days is shameful. Ever wonder why terrorists hate America? Perhaps it's because we live in a society that pays players an absurd amount of money to trot onto a mound every 5th day and throw a ball. I make $9 an hour working a crap part time job. The Yankees signed C.C. Sabathia to a 7-year, $161 million dollar deal. This means that Cool Cash Sabathia will make on average $23 million dollars a year. During the 2008 season, C.C. averaged 113 pitchers per game and only pitched in 253 innings which comes out to 28 complete games. If these statistics remain somewhat the same, this means that C.C. will "earn" $821,428 per complete game, $90,909 per inning and $7,269 per pitch. I would have to work 807 hours (33 entire days) just to make what C.C. makes per pitch! I'm not chastising C.C., if someone offered me that much money to sell my soul to the devil (play for the Yankees) you better believe I'm taking it. The problem lies with the "brain" of the operation. People like George Steinbrenner who spent $423 million dollars this past off season in the signing of three free agents. Are athletes really worth this much money? If those depressing TV-ads are true and you can really feed a kid in a poor country for 15 cents a day, we could make every day a Thanksgiving feast. The perfect silver lining is the fact that this is taking place during one of the worst depressions in America's history. Who knows, maybe while you're standing in that bread line C.C. will drop by in his helicopter and throw a couple pennies at you, then maybe Mark Texeira will park his jet-pack and give a compelling speech about perseverance and unity . You can make the argument that it's their money they can spend it however they want. True, but it seems strange that most other major sports have a salary cap so the Davids' can contend with the Goliaths'. Either way, that's alotta jack.

My beef is not with baseball alone. In the NFL, players who go in the first round of the draft receive ludicrous contract offers laden with incentives, this before they even play one snap of a game. A rookie could sign a $22 million dollar contract, like Brady Quinn, and not even start, much less have any impact on the team what so ever. Overseas, Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the world's best soccer players, is reportedly for sale at 120 million euros. That is just to buy him, that doesn't even include the contract the player will receive.

My aim is not to cry like some tree hugger about kids with flies on their face or that wood used to make the bats is destroying the ecosystem; rather, my aim is to conserve the purity of sports. Baseball is one of the most corrupt organizations on the planet. It's more common to see a tiny-testicaled, biceps bigger than my head, cartoon of a man stumbling on his words more than W. in front of a grand jury then it is to actually see real criminals. Professional sports used to be fun. When did the money become more important than the game?

It's just sports, entertainment, monkeys dancing around for our enjoyment, but Planet of the Apes seems to be rapidly approaching. The next time you attend a ball game, keep an eye out for Charlton Heston, we may need him. 


Sources:
http://www.goal.com/en-india/news/222/transfer-zone/2009/01/19/1067722/inter-to-fight-real-madrid-for-cristiano-ronaldo-reports

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/stats?playerId=4553